


The Safe, the Painting and the Knockwurst Sausage

by Arnie



Category: 'Allo 'Allo!, Garrison's Gorillas
Genre: Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Humor, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 13:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13459233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnie/pseuds/Arnie
Summary: A mission goes wrong in Occupied France, and Garrison and his men have to hide out in Rene Artois' cafe.





	The Safe, the Painting and the Knockwurst Sausage

**Author's Note:**

> "Allo, Allo" was a British sitcom set in France during the German occupation of World War 2. The action centred upon Rene Artois, a café owner, who ran the café with his wife, Madame Edith, while attempting to walk a fine line between not annoying the Germans enough to be shot and not being a collaborator. His life was made more complicated by the fact that the local Resistance leader, Michelle, seemed to believe that he was a hero who was willing to die for France. Naturally, he didn't want to tell her otherwise, in case the Resistance shot him for collaborating.
> 
> In the meantime, Rene was attempting to carry on with his life and his affairs, including those he was having with his two waitresses, Yvette and Mimi. He was planning to leave his wife and live with one of his mistresses after the war and this 'retirement' was to be funded by selling the painting by Van Kloomp which he had hidden in his cellar. The painting was hidden within a large Knockwurst sausage, and there were also several fake paintings hidden within large Knockwurst sausages, (all these sausages were hanging from the ceiling in Rene's cellar along with various other foodstuffs, onions etc.). Naturally, everyone wanted the real one, which is why there were so many forgeries knocking about.
> 
> NOTE: In the sitcom, when the characters spoke in French, they spoke English with a French accent. When they spoke German, it was English with a German accent. If they happened to be bilingual, like Michelle, they would speak with a French accent when they were supposedly speaking French, and have a perfect English accent while they were talking in English. In order to maintain continuity, when Garrison and Actor speak in French it is written in the same way. Hope that helps. If it doesn't, take two aspirin and don't call me in the morning. :o)
> 
> CAST OF CHARACTERS  
> Heroes:  
> Garrison - an American officer  
> Actor - an Italian conman  
> Chief - a Native American car thief  
> Casino - an American safe cracker  
> Goniff - a Cockney thief  
> Madame Edith - Rene's wife and a very bad singer  
> Michelle - Resistance leader  
> Yvette - a waitress and Rene's mistress  
> Mimi - a waitress and another of Rene's mistresses
> 
> False hero:  
> Rene - café owner
> 
> Others:  
> Carstairs - a British airman, trapped in France  
> Fairfax - ditto  
> Herr Flick - local Gestapo officer  
> Helga - his mistress
> 
> Mentioned only:  
> Madame Fanny - Madame Edith's mother  
> Officer Crabtree - an Englishman posing as a French policeman  
> General von Klinkerhoffen - a German General

"All right, take five."

The three men collapsed behind their blond leader, their chests rising and falling with their rapid breathing.

"'Ere, Warden, yer think we lost 'em, then?" Goniff panted hopefully.

Casino just shook his head. "Man, I have never seen Krauts run that fast before."

"We've lost 'em," Garrison said breathlessly.

Chief ran out from the trees and slid to a stop by them. The Indian was gasping for breath too as he sank down to sit beside them. "They're...the other side o' the forest," he said, resting his elbows on his knees. "They're still searchin' over there - they'll be goin' around in circles for hours."

Garrison nodded, his breathing slowly returning to normal. He waited until all his men had recovered, then turned to Chief. "Any chance of going around them?"

Chief shook his head. "Doubt it. There were plenty of 'em and they were spreadin' out."

Casino slammed his hand down on the grass. "Great. Now whadda we do? The sub is that way!" He jerked in thumb towards the forest behind them. "And we got half the German army searchin' for us in there."

"And for the plans we stole," Actor pointed out.

"Relax," Garrison said. "I can contact the Resistance. They'll be able to get us out."

Casino shook his head. He hated it when they had to improvise.

~'~

"Of course I can contact London and arrange for your escape," the Resistance leader assured them in perfect English. "But it will take a few days. I'll have to find somewhere for you to hide in the meantime."

"Can't we stay here?" Garrison asked. The big barn they were sheltering in was certainly comfortable enough for them to wait out a couple of days in it.

Michelle shook her head. "The Germans frequently use this barn...to spend time with their girlfriends." She thought for a moment. "I know. I'll ask Rene to hide you. He's a hero, and I know he'll be absolutely delighted to do this."

"All right. We'll hide out in the woods until you get back."

"Right ho, chaps. I'll hoot like an owl three times to signal you when I return." She pulled open the barn door slightly, and carefully checked to see that no one was outside. "Now I will vanish like a phantom into the night," she said, and then was gone.

Carefully, the men followed her out, and vanished like phantoms themselves into the forest.

~'~

"Blimey," Goniff muttered, "it's dark out 'ere."

"That's why it's called the countryside," Casino remarked quietly.

"Yeah, that an' what Actor stood in before," the Cockney snickered.

Casino grinned. The look on Actor's face had been priceless. As had the look on Garrison's face when he smelt what Actor had stuck his foot in. Actor had spent the next half an hour fastidiously wiping his boot on every blade of grass he could find.

Casino's grin faded when he heard Chief snap his fingers. Someone was coming.

Michelle halted beneath a tree and raised her hands to her mouth. She hooted three times.

Garrison took one step towards the sound, then stopped as another three hoots sounded from a tree a few feet behind him.

"Damn bird," Michelle muttered as she hastily repeated her signal.

The owl, who had obviously decided that Michelle was talking to him, responded with gusto. Michelle attempted to out-hoot the bird but finally gave in, stalked over to Garrison and poked him in the side.

"I'm here," she announced. "Come on, chaps."

Garrison nodded, and he and his men followed her from the woods. The American officer totally ignored the grins on his men's faces. He hoped that Michelle would ignore them too.

They reached the edge of the town within twenty minutes, and a further ten saw them hiding by Rene Artois' dustbins. Michelle cautioned them to remain quiet, then approached the window and knocked once...then twice...then once again.

For a few seconds nothing happened, then the curtain was yanked back. A man peered out into the yard and pulled a face when he recognised Michelle. Hastily wiping the lipstick marks from his face, he opened the window.

"Well?" he demanded, in French.

"I 'ave brought ze Americans," Michelle quickly explained in French. "Zey will 'ide 'ere until everyzing is arranged."

"Oh, 'eck," Rene muttered. "Did you 'ave to bring zem 'ere? We 'ave General von Klinker'offen dining 'ere tonight!"

"What is it, Rene?" Yvette looked out of the window. Seeing Michelle she nodded. "I will go and fetch Madame Edith."

Rene stood to one side with a very bad grace as Garrison and his men climbed through the window.

"What is ze General doing 'ere?" Michelle demanded. "I zought he was off at ze Front."

"'E is 'ere to collect ze painting by Van Kloomp," Rene grumbled as he hastily locked the window. "'Err Flick of ze Gestapo zinks 'e 'as ze real one and 'e 'as arranged to give ze General a forgery."

"Van Kloomp?" Actor was startled. "Which painting?" he asked, in his usual impeccable French.

Rene looked the tall Italian up and down before he answered. "Ze Fallen Madonna Wiz ze Big Boobies."

"'Is masterpiece!" Actor was astonished. What was Van Kloomp's most revered work of art doing here?

"Is zis valuable to ze Germans?" Garrison demanded in French.

"Oh yes," Michelle assured him. "Ze Germans 'ave been trying to get zeir 'ands on it since zey first came 'ere." She raised her head proudly. "But Rene 'as been 'iding it in a Knockwurst sausage."

"Don't tell zem zat!" Rene protested, then smiled sheepishly as he remembered Garrison and Actor could understand him.

Garrison smiled slightly. A Knockwurst sausage? The things the Resistance thought of.

"But, now zat you are 'ere," Michelle said to Garrison, "you can take it wiz you!"

"What?" Rene was appalled. He had plans for that painting after the war, (mainly providing for him and whichever of his mistresses he ended up with), but he couldn't tell Michelle that.

"Yes! You will deliver it to ze free French Government in London and zey will keep it safe until it can be 'ung back in ze Louvre."

Garrison smiled at her. "We shall be 'onoured to give it to zem."

Actor smiled too. All his life he'd admired Van Kloomp and his paintings, and now, the thought of getting his hands on the Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies was almost too much for the suave Italian.

Just then Yvette returned with Madame Edith, who was only too pleased to hide the American heroes. "Of course we will keep zem safe, Michelle. You know you can trust us."

"Where are ze British airmen?" Michelle demanded. "I will arrange for zem all to go back at ze same time."

"Zey are 'iding in ze cupboard," Yvette told her. "Zey are always in ze cupboard."

Michelle pulled open the cupboard door. "Hello, chaps," she said to the two airmen hiding there.

"Hello!"

"Hello!"

Casino took a step towards the window. What kind of place was this?

"Listen, chaps. I'm contacting London tonight to arrange for your escape. You'll be going with these chaps, okay?"

They nodded in unison.

"Rene," Michelle turned to the unhappy Frenchman, "I need to use ze radio now."

"Oh, 'eck!" Rene turned towards the door, then turned back. "Stay 'ere!" he shouted at the two airmen.

"What?"

"What's he saying?"

"It's all right, chaps. Just stay here while I contact London," Michelle hurriedly told them, tugging Rene towards the door.

In a confused huddle, Rene, his wife, his mistress and his contact in the Resistance left the back room.

Flying officer Fairfax looked at the five men remaining. Turning to his compatriot he whispered loudly, "Do you suppose they speak a word of English?"

"We're American Intelligence," Garrison interposed.

"Oh, Americans!" Fairfax looked relieved. For quite a few years now the only people he'd seen who could understand him were Carstairs (with whom he shared the cupboard), Michelle and Officer Crabtree, who was posing as a French policeman. "I'm Fairfax, this is Carstairs."

"I'm Lt. Garrison, this is Actor, Chief, Casino and Goniff," the American officer replied, indicating each of his men in turn.

"What rum names," Carstairs commented.

"They're American Intelligence - must be codenames," Fairfax told him, trying, but failing, to whisper.

Carstairs nodded emphatically. That made sense.

"How long you been stayin' in the cupboard?" Casino asked, curiously.

"Oh...er...three years?" Fairfax looked at his companion for confirmation.

"I think so...it's been a while."

"Three years? Blimey!" Goniff was amazed - he'd thought prison was bad.

"Oh, we haven't stayed in here all the time. There was that time was had to stay in Madame Fanny's cupboard -"

"And the time we had to pose as waitresses. Awful!"

"And the laundry baskets -"

"And the Monastery -"

Garrison shook his head. They were like a double act. And who the hell was Madame Fanny?

"But we've been in France for three years. They never seem to manage to get us out," Carstairs finished, sighing.

"Don't you worry, Carstairs. We'll make it this time. Just been jolly bad luck."

His friend nodded.

Garrison's thoughts were interrupted, and he turned his head. What on Earth was that noise?

Goniff screwed his face up as he listened. It sounded vaguely like an air raid siren. Looking at the two Englishmen, he jerked his head towards the door. "What's that?"

"Oh, that's Madame Edith," Fairfax offered.

"She sings every night," Carstairs added.

Actor winced. He recognised the song; he'd been fond of it in the past, but he had to admit he'd never heard it sung in quite that way before.

Chief looked around. "Sings?" he echoed, his normally passive face filled with doubt at the description.

"Oh yes," Carstairs assured him. "She sings every night for the Germans."

Casino grimaced as another painful note threatened his hearing. "Well, that's one way to get the Krauts outta France."

Fortunately for the captive audience trapped in the back room, Madame Edith's singing cleared the café and her impromptu cabaret act came to an end after only two songs.

The door opened. Michelle came in, smiling. "It's all arranged, chaps. There's a submarine coming for you in three days."

"Thank you," Garrison said, smiling at the brave Resistance leader.

She found herself taking stock of the man. He was certainly good looking, with a fine pair of shoulders...just the right height too. She shook herself mentally and paid attention to the irate café owner.

Rene was not happy. First of all, he'd had two British airmen stuck in his cupboard for three years. Second, Michelle of the Resistance seemed to treat this as her first port of call when she needed help (which was rather unfortunate as his café was very popular with the Germans - except when his wife sang). Third, he had five American agents hidden in his back room and now...Herr Flick of the Gestapo had walked off with the real painting.

Michelle was horrified. "'Err Flick 'as ze real painting? Rene, I zought you were going to give 'im a fake!"

"I did...I zought I did!" Rene sighed. His life was too complicated: how he wished he'd never agreed to help the Resistance in the first place, but if he hadn't, they would have shot him as a collaborator. "'Err Flick insisted on taking a look at ze knockwurst sausages 'imself! 'E saw 'is - it 'as a swastika printed on one end and I gave 'im ze knockwurst sausage with ze fake painting in it to give to ze General. But 'e decided to take 'is sausage too as 'e zought I might cook it by mistake. 'Elga came in and said zat ze General was getting impatient, I tripped, ze knockwurst sausages went flying everywhere and 'e grabbed ze real one which 'ad a swastika printed at each end so we wouldn't get zem mixed up! He gave it to 'Elga to 'ide down 'er blouse and left wiz ze fake one for ze General."

"'Elga 'ad ze real Fallen Madonna Wiz ze Big Boobies in 'er blouse?" Madame Edith repeated, shocked.

"And now she 'as gone, ze painting 'as gone and she will give it to 'Err Flick!" Rene spluttered. And bang went his chances for a nice, cosy retirement with Yvette or Mimi.

"We will 'ave to get it back," Garrison declared. "Where will 'e 'ave taken it?"

Michelle gazed at Garrison in admiration. "'Err Flick will 'ave taken it back to 'is office and put it in 'is safe. 'E would not dare to 'ide it anywhere else. If ze General believes zat 'e 'as ze real one, zen 'Err Flick will believe it is safe."

"Zen we will 'ave to break into 'is office and Casino will open ze safe," Garrison announced.

Casino looked up. He hadn't followed a word of what had been said, but he recognised his name when he heard it. "What's that?"

Garrison was too busy making plans to answer him. Casino sighed. He knew he wasn't going to like this one. As he glanced around the room, a resigned look on his face, he noticed the tall dark waitress. Was she smiling at him?

Yvette smiled at Casino. He was very handsome with such an intriguing accent. He was even more handsome than Rene, the café owner (with whom Yvette had been having a long running affair). Casino grinned back, his annoyance over the upset of their plans gone. Maybe some improvising could be fun.

Goniff was not as happy. He was lounging by the airmen's cupboard, trying to avoid the eyes of blonde waitress, who'd been staring at him with an admiring look in her eyes. Normally, Goniff wouldn't have minded that. It was the maniacal gleam in her eye that was making him nervous.

Mimi sighed as she stared hungrily at the blond man. How handsome he was... how sophisticated. She wondered if he had an accent like the others. Maybe she could get him to talk. As she made her away around the room, her prey noticed her coming. He made his move too, circling away from her and bumping into Chief who had already noticed Mimi's interest. He stepped back out of the way, hiding his smile. He guessed this was going to be interesting.

Goniff's escape was unintentionally blocked by Madame Edith, who was, at heart, a kindly soul. She touched his arm gently. "Per'aps you are 'ungry. Would you like somezing to eat?"

Goniff cast a confused look at Actor and Garrison. What was she saying?

Actor responded. "She wishes to know if you are hungry."

Goniff grinned at Madame Edith. He always had time for food. "Not 'alf!" he declared.

Mimi sighed. His accent was even better than the others.

Taking the interest on Goniff's face as a yes, Madame Edith withdrew to the kitchen, taking the two waitresses with her, much to Goniff's relief. If he could have heard what Mimi was saying on her way towards the kitchen he would have been more worried than ever.

"Yvette!"

"What is it?"

Mimi paused. She was a fearless member of the Resistance but she didn't want to offend Yvette by telling her to keep her hands off the blond man with the intriguing accent.

"Well? What is it?"

"You know ze Americans."

"Well, not as well as I'd like to know zem!" Yvette smiled.

"Which one?"

"What?"

"Which one?" Mimi repeated insistently.

"What are you talking about?" Yvette waited, then recognised the look in Mimi's eyes. "You like one of zem! 'Oo is it?"

"Ze blond one." Mimi was referring to Goniff, she just hadn't worked out that he wasn't an American.

"Ze lieutenant?" Yvette was surprised: she wouldn't have thought Garrison would be Mimi's type.

"No...ze ozzer one!" Mimi sighed. "I don't even know 'is name."

Yvette frowned. Had there been another blond man? She'd been too busy admiring the dark American (and checking out the other dark American) to notice. "Well, why don't you ask Michelle? Or Officer Crabtree if 'e comes in."

Mimi smiled. The only barrier between her and her chosen one was their languages... but some things didn't need translating.

By the time they returned, Garrison and Michelle had decided upon a plan of action. Herr Flick was a man of habit and, normally, he worked very late. However, every Tuesday evening he and Helga visited the best hotel in the city where, it was said, he got to see the swastikas on her suspenders. And the next day happened to be Tuesday.

Garrison's plan was simple, and he smiled at Michelle. What could go wrong?

~'~

That night was an uncomfortable one for Goniff in particular. Sleeping on the floor didn't bother any of them - only Casino complained and that was more about the airmen sleeping in the cupboard than about the floor. He removed himself to the other side of the room, where he couldn't hear them snoring, and he was fine. But Goniff had one thing on his mind. Mimi. He tossed and turned all night. That intent stare haunted his dreams when he did manage to sleep, and remained in his mind while he stayed awake worrying.

Garrison frowned when the morning light showed the state of the Englishman. He'd heard Goniff muttering in his sleep while he'd been on watch. He'd also heard Casino's comment of 'not having to wake the Limey up' when Goniff's turn had come to listen out for any Germans. If Goniff had spent the night on the tiles he couldn't have looked much worse. Fortunately, they had the entire day to wait and had to spend it hidden upstairs. Rene allowed them (was told by his wife to allow them) to spend the day hiding in his and Edith's bedroom and, as Mimi's duties kept her downstairs, it wasn't long before Goniff fell asleep.

He woke up in time for lunch. No matter what Garrison had to say about Rene's private life (and he could have said a lot, being an observant man) the food in the café was excellent. Actor was surprised but, after considering Madame Edith's singing, he realised that there had to be some reason to draw people back to the café.

The afternoon passed slowly. Actor's cards came in useful as they could always play poker, although, as usual, Garrison refused to play. His reasoning was simple: as he was the only one who couldn't cheat at cards, he preferred to sit back and watch. A game of cards between his men never involved luck - the winner was the person who was able to cheat the most outrageously without getting caught.

~'~

Before the evening crowd arrived, Garrison and his men slipped quietly out of the café. Garrison had planned to take Casino and Goniff with him to retrieve the painting, but Actor's protestations about being forced to stay behind and listen to Madame's Edith's singing (her voice filled the house) had struck a chord with him. He didn't need them that night, but he would not leave them behind to be tortured by Madame Edith's voice.

Michelle was waiting for them, along with a couple of other Resistance fighters. Actor frowned when he saw them. They were all smartly (and identically) dressed in belted raincoats and black berets. Didn't that make it easier for the Germans to realise who was in the Resistance and who wasn't? He shrugged slightly. Obviously not, as the Resistance was still going.

Herr Flick's office was situated on the ground floor of a small building, while his living quarters were above. He had been offered a lodging in the castle but he had refused, to the delight of the Germans officers. The thought of having a Gestapo agent in the castle made them all nervous.

Having reached Herr Flick's office, Michelle and her fighters withdrew to a safe distance, to watch and wait while Garrison and his men followed his plan. As Actor and Chief weren't needed, they would wait outside and keep a lookout in case Herr Flick returned early. Actor stayed at the front, while Chief slipped around to the back of the building. He hadn't said a word about the prospect of hearing Madame Edith's singing for a second night, but he was extremely glad that he hadn't had to - he'd heard wolves sing more in tune.

Chief's target was a window at the back of Herr Flick's office. Garrison knew that the window was very small, but he realised that Goniff should be able to get through it with the painting if escaping by the front door was impossible. Chief's job was to wait there and give them warning if anything should go wrong.

Garrison and Goniff lurked, as casually as possible, while Casino picked the lock of Herr Flick's front door. Within seconds, they were all inside and five minutes later the switch had been made. The knockwurst sausage containing a fake painting was now in Herr Flick's safe, while the real painting (with its sausage cover) was in Garrison's hand.

They'd taken three steps towards the door when a snap of Chief's fingers alerted them. Herr Flick was returning. Garrison opened the door slightly, peered out, and hurriedly shut it again as the sight of Herr Flick's car (containing an irate Herr Flick) pulled to a stop only a few feet away.

Garrison moved quickly. One glance at the window showed that his suspicions had been right: Goniff and the sausage could get out, but he and Casino had no chance. Goniff was through the window in seconds, aided by some heavy handed shoving from Casino. It was a good thing Chief was waiting on the other side or Goniff would have landed on his head and, as the Indian helped Goniff out, the other two disappeared back into the office.

~'~

"It iz not my fault, Herr Flick," Helga was saying reasonably as he unlocked the front door.

"I am not zaying dat it iz, Helga," Herr Flick retorted. He had been looking forward to the sight of Helga's swastikas for the past two days and now it was all ruined.

"I had no idea that General von Klinkerhoffen had commandeered our room."

"He had no right to take my room," Herr Flick responded petulantly, with a slight emphasis on the word 'my'. "I shall phone uncle Heinrich immediately und complain." He stalked into his office followed by Helga. Picking up the phone, he dialled and demanded to speak to his uncle Heinrich (also known as Himmler).

Garrison sighed as he stood, hidden by the tall cupboard, listening to Herr Flick's side of the conversation. He had considered knocking the two lovebirds out, but realised that any investigation would lead to the discovery of the knockwurst sausage (complete with fake painting) and from there to Rene's café. With any luck, Herr Flick would retire upstairs with his lady friend and he and Casino could escape through the front door. He just hoped Casino would be able to resist his need to complain until they were out of the building and out of earshot.

Unknown to Garrison, Casino was already complaining, but he was doing it silently as he lurked inside Herr Flick's cupboard.

Herr Flick put the phone down. "Uncle Heinrich will deal with it. Next veek our room shall be vaiting for us."

"You are very clever, Herr Flick," Helga said admiringly.

"I know," he smirked. "Now, you vill put on a record und dance for me."

"Yes, Herr Flick!" Helga responded eagerly. Within seconds the sound of music filled the air.

Garrison knew that Casino was longing to complain, loudly and at great length, about the fact that they couldn't go anywhere while Helga danced for Herr Flick. He grinned knowing that Casino couldn't see him - the things the Gestapo got up to in private. Garrison could see part of Helga's routine and her gyrations had him longing to loosen his collar. Was it hot in here?

"That iz enough," Herr Flick announced. "Now you may kiss me."

Garrison could hear Helga's enthusiastic kissing and could only imagine what Casino was thinking. "He won't stop complaining for a week!"

~'~

Back at the café, there was uproar. Michelle had returned with the awful news that two of the brave Intelligence agents were still inside Herr Flick's office and Herr Flick had returned early.

Mimi was devastated. She had spent all night dreaming about Goniff, and she would not have him captured and interrogated by the Gestapo. She paced back and forth in the back room as she devised and rejected various plans.

Finally she stopped. "I 'ave it," she announced. "I know 'ow I can save ze brave American 'eroes. I shall go into ze office of 'Err Flick, and I shall shoot 'im! I will be shot, but zat does not matter. As my love escapes, 'e will stop to 'elp me, but I will die in 'is arms and 'e will kiss my lifeless body." As she looked forward to her heroic, tragic death, that maniacal gleam that had frightened Goniff was obvious to all.

Silence fell as they gazed at the small waitress.

Finally Yvette spoke. "You cannot go. You 'ave not yet washed ze dishes!"

"I must save 'im from ze Gestapo!" Mimi insisted.

"Or we could just wait for 'Err Flick to go to bed," Michelle said.

Mimi's gleam turned into an annoyed one as she looked at the brave Resistance leader. "But what if 'e discovers Goneef in ze meantime?"

"Goneef?" Michelle echoed, surprised. "But 'e is not zere. 'E is outside waiting for zem to escape."

Mimi's face fell slightly. She had been looking forward to saving Goniff heroically. "Oh. Zen I guess we will wait for 'Err Flick to go to bed."

"I zink zat is a good idea," Yvette retorted.

"I 'ave to wash ze dishes anyway," Mimi told them.

~'~

Finally, Herr Flick tired of having Helga perform for him and he sent her away. Within the cupboard, Casino sighed with relief. Surely the Gestapo officer would go now?

Garrison wasn't so relieved. He could see a little better than Casino and he knew that Herr Flick of the Gestapo was now sitting at his desk and looking through an enormous file (entitled "Rene Artois Und My Suspicions About Him").

Herr Flick was not happy. He had planned a long and enjoyable evening boasting about his uncle Heinrich's exploits to Helga while drinking fine wine and sitting in the best room the hotel had to offer. And now...he'd had to settle for seeing Helga dance and having her kiss him. He had to admit he'd enjoyed them both (his glasses had even steamed up a little - although that could have been due to his annoyance over the room) but he was not in a good mood. He pushed the file aside. Tonight he could take no pleasure in plotting Rene Artois' downfall. He tidied the file away and then moved towards the stairs.

As soon as the sounds of Herr Flick's snoring reached him, Garrison made his move. He and Casino escaped through the door, accompanied all the way by Casino's muffled curses.

~'~

Back at the café, Casino's muffled curses were muffled no longer. Yvette gazed at him with admiration as he ripped into Garrison about the events of the evening. How passionate he was, how strong!

Michelle was furious. How dare he attack the brave, strong, heroic American officer like that? It was not Garrison's fault that Herr Flick had been deprived of the hotel room (and the sight of Helga's swastika covered suspenders) and had had to return early. Her annoyance turned to pleasure as Garrison shut Casino up with a few well chosen words.

Casino continued to grouse, but to himself this time. Why did the Warden always insist on getting involved with other people's problems? He must have made one hellava boy scout! Casino raised his eyes to the ceiling and prayed that they wouldn't pass any little old ladies trying to cross the road on their way to the submarine, or they would never get out of France. A touch on his arm brought him back to earth. That pretty dark haired waitress was smiling at him. He didn't know what she offering but he was willing to play along, at least until he found out.

Garrison borrowed Chief's knife and carefully opened up the knockwurst sausage. Retrieving the painting, he offered it to Actor, who took it with trembling hands. He had admired Van Kloomp's paintings for many years now, and to actually be holding the Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies was almost too much. He reverently unrolled the painting and gazed, with wonder in his eyes, at Van Kloomp's greatest painting.

Even Chief wandered forward to take a look at the earthy beauty of the Madonna. Goniff whistled. He didn't blame people for being under her spell, she was even better looking than the landlady at the Doves.

"Actor." Garrison waited but the conman's eyes never left the painting. He tried again.

Actor looked up as his name was spoken for a second time but his attention was still fixed upon the work of art he held. "Hmm?"

"Is it the real painting?"

"Oh yes, this is the real Madonna." He returned his gaze to her. "I could never mistake it."

"Good. Then we'll take it with us when we leave and give it to the free French Government."

Rene scowled. When he looked at the painting, all he saw the golden future he and Yvette, (or he and Mimi), would have after the war, and now that future was sliding away from him. Unless....

"You will not want to take it like zat," he told Garrison, smiling nervously. "I will clean it off and give it back to you."

"I will do it," Madame Edith interrupted. "You will rub all ze paint off!"

Ten minutes later, the painting was back in Garrison's hands, with only the lingering smell betraying where it had been hidden for the past year. Rene was becoming more agitated by the second. His golden future seemed to be slipping away from him even faster than before. He had to do something!

~'~

"Yvette!"

Yvette looked around the apparently empty kitchen, was that the American? "Rene!" she jumped slightly, feeling guilty that she had been thinking of someone other than her married lover.

"Oh Yvette!"

As he gazed into her eyes, her thoughts of Casino slipped away. How she loved him. How she loved to feel his strong arms around her. "Oh Rene!" Exuberantly, she hugged him.

"Yvette." He pushed her away from him slightly. "We 'ave to do somezing about ze painting. It is ours, Yvette...our future togezzer. We shall 'ave a fine 'otel in Switzerland. Drink wine each evening. Make love each night!"

"Oh Rene!" Yvette's breathing quickened. She wanted that future!

"But wizzout ze painting, we shall 'ave nozzing! I shall 'ave to stay 'ere and run zis café and we shall 'ave to skulk around be'ind my wife's back." He sighed dramatically. "It is so unfair!"

"But...can we not get ze painting back? Let ze Americans leave wiz a forgery?"

"Yvette! Zat is an excellent idea!"

Yvette smiled and preened herself slightly.

"But 'ow? Zat American officer will not let it out of 'is sight! I 'ave anozzer copy I can give to zem but I 'ave no way to swap zem."

"I know!" Yvette nodded her head. "I shall go in and see ze dark American when 'e is on watch. Zen, I will exchange ze paintings and no one will know!"

"You are so clever, Yvette!"

"Oh Rene!" They threw themselves into each others' arms and resumed their kissing.

"Rene! What is going on 'ere?" Madame Edith's voice was horrified. Was Rene cheating on her with one of the serving girls?

For a second, Rene stared in horrified guilt, then he swung into his indignant act. "You stupid woman!" he chided her. "Can you not see zat zis poor child is upset?"

Taking her cue, Yvette collapsed into Rene's arms, allowing her lovely shoulders to shake with her crying.

"Oh, what 'as 'appened?" Madame Edith asked, ready to believe Rene's explanation just as easily as she had believed his many explanations before.

"She will miss ze Americans when zey go. She likes one of zem very much!" Rene claimed, having no idea that he was actually telling the truth.

Yvette stiffened slightly. Had he guessed?

"Oh, ze poor child!"

"'E will go and I will never see 'im again!" Yvette wailed, keeping one eye on her lover and the other on his wife.

"There, there, Yvette." Rene rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. "Go and dry your eyes."

Madame Edith watched Yvette leave then turned back to her husband. "'Ow strong you are, Rene," she told him. "'Ow comforting. You care about zese serving girls as zough zey were your daughters!"

Rene scowled at his wife. What was she implying? "Sisters," he corrected her. "I am not zat old."

~'~

That night, Yvette crept across the café to the door into the back room. She knew that Casino had the first watch and the café had only been quiet for half an hour. Surely the rest of the Americans would be asleep by now? She leaned close to the door and murmured Casino's name.

Inside the room, Casino turned away from the window and looked towards the door. Was that his name he just heard? Grasping his revolver firmly, he opened the door an inch and was rewarded with the sight of Yvette with a basket in her hand.

"Whaddya doin' here?" he asked quietly.

Yvette smiled. She had no idea what he was saying but she allowed her eyes and her smile to let him know what she was thinking. From the basket, she pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses and showed them to him. Casino grinned. He opened the door slightly and she slipped inside, taking the wine, glasses and basket (with the fake painting concealed inside) with her.

She guessed that Garrison would be the one with the painting, and hoped that she'd be able to distract Casino long enough to make a switch. Garrison, not suspecting that his hosts (well, one of them) would attempt such a thing, had made it easy for her. The rolled up painting was lying in full view on the table.

Yvette smiled as she sat on the edge of the table admiring Casino's ability to open a bottle of wine. The basket was behind her and it only took a few seconds for her to swap the original painting with a fake. She accepted the glass of wine Casino offered and smiled even more at him as she made a toast to the future.

Casino grinned back. He didn't know what she was saying, but he sure liked the way she said it.

His watch came to an end all too soon, and Yvette left, leaving a trace of perfume in the air and a fake painting on the table.

Goniff woke with a start at Casino's less than gentle tap on his shoulder. As Mimi hadn't tried to reach him the night before, the Limey believed he was safe and had managed to fall asleep. When Casino had shoved him, he'd thought for a second that she was there and his eyes flew open then looked around in terror before realising that it was his turn at watch and nothing worse.

Casino settled down to sleep with a smirk on his face. He doubted if Goniff would have as much fun keeping watch as he had.

He was right.

As he settled down by the window, Goniff allowed himself to relax slightly. Mimi hadn't tried anything the night before, so maybe...hopefully...she wouldn't tonight.

He was wrong.

As Yvette returned to her room, Mimi called to her. "Where 'ave you been?" she demanded crossly as she saw the smile that adorned Yvette's face.

"Just talking to Casino," Yvette answered.

"'E is on watch?"

"'E was. Do you zink I would 'ave left 'im if 'e 'ad still been on watch?"

Mimi thought about that. "Zen...'oo is on watch now?"

"I zink 'e said ze blond one would be," Yvette answered. "Not ze American officer, ze ozzer one."

"Goneef?" Mimi stood still, her heart pounding. How handsome he was, how sophisticated, how brave, and now...he was on watch alone. All of his companions were asleep.

Five minutes later, Mimi was copying Yvette's actions, one bottle of wine and two glasses clutched in her hot little hand as she called Goniff's name.

Goniff did not copy Casino's actions.

He recognised the voice calling him and his expression changed from sleepy boredom to sheer horror. He leapt at the door, not bothering to avoid trampling on his sleeping companions. Garrison woke up in a hurry as one of Goniff's feet managed to land on his arm while Actor came close to receiving a foot in a far more delicate area.

"Goniff!" Garrison hissed. "What are you doing?"

"She's there." Goniff spreadeagled himself against the door to prevent it opening. "She's outside!"

"Who?" Actor demanded.

"Her!"

Garrison looked at Actor, who looked back at him with a blank expression on his face. He had no idea who Goniff was referring to.

Casino snorted. "Guess we can't all be lucky!"

Goniff threw an angry glance the safecracker's way. "Warden, yer gotta 'elp me!"

Chief grinned. He knew what was going on. "I guess Mimi got lonesome in the night," he murmured.

Garrison looked at the Indian as he settled back down to sleep. "Mimi?"

"That's 'er!" Goniff said. "She's...she's...she's after me!"

"And you have a problem with that?" Actor enquired, delicately.

"Hey, look at it this way, baby - take it while ya can!" was Casino's advice.

"I don't wanna take it! Well, not from 'er, anyway!" Goniff protested, as Mimi turned the door handle and rattled it sharply. "You can 'ave it!"

"It ain't me she's after!"

"All right, knock it off!" Garrison ordered. He got to his feet and opened the door slightly. "Can I 'elp you?"

Mimi's face dropped a mile. "Oh! It is you! I zought...never mind." Dejectedly, she made her way back to the stairs, dumping the wine and glasses on the bar as she passed.

Goniff slumped against the wall in relief as the sound of her footsteps receded. "Warden, I owe yer one!"

Garrison glanced at the white faced Cockney. "Forget about it." He made his way back and lay down again. "The lady came prepared with a bottle of wine though."

"She did?" Goniff looked indignant. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were too busy hiding behind the door," Garrison pointed out. "Now keep watch and wake me when it's my turn."

Grumbling slightly, Goniff returned to his post by the window. He didn't know she'd brought plonk.

~'~

Finally the next evening arrived and they could go home. Goniff couldn't wait to escape from France, and from Mimi. As soon as the little town had settled down to sleep, Garrison and his men, accompanied by Fairfax and Carstairs, quietly made their way out of the café. There was a brief pause for Casino to say a lingering goodbye to Yvette, and for Goniff to fight Mimi off with the aid of a chair, but they made it out of the window eventually.

Rene smiled as they left. The Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies was back where she belonged (in his cellar) and his future with Yvette was looking bright. Well, as long as his wife never found out and he managed to avoid any more of Michelle's harebrained schemes.

Michelle and her Resistance fighters escorted Garrison, his men and the two airmen to the beach, keeping an eye out for any stray German soldiers who might be wandering around. The leader of the Resistance sighed to herself as they quietly walked along. She'd never met anyone like the American officer. He was as brave and as daring as she! She doubted that she'd ever meet anyone like him again. She raised her head proudly. One day, France would be free. And, who knew? Perhaps Lieutenant Garrison would return.

They arrived at the beach all too quickly. Michelle signalled the submarine and watched as the dinghy approached. Within minutes, he would be gone. She had to act now. "Lieutenant."

He smiled down at her. "Yes, Michelle?"

The sound of his voice thrilled her - even that was unlike any other man's she'd met. She smiled and forced herself to continue, blushing in the darkness as she thought that he might not welcome her affections. "I hope you will come back one day. We will...miss you."

He stooped slightly and kissed her cheek. "I will come back," he told her, the sincerity in his voice unmistakable.

"I say, Fairfax, it looks as though we'll get out this time for sure!"

Carstairs' voice brought her back to their current situation, and she stepped back, offering her hand to the American officer who had disturbed her thoughts ever since she'd first seen him smile. "Good luck, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, Michelle."

She turned as the dinghy reached the shore. The tide was just about to turn, they had to go.

Goniff was first into the dinghy. Although he had no liking for sea travel, he'd face a dozen trips in a submarine rather than risk being left in France and having to face Mimi again. He huddled down at the back of the dinghy looking miserable. Just let Casino tease him about this.

Carstairs and Fairfax paused to say goodbye to Michelle. They'd known her for three years, and, although none of her schemes to get them back to Blighty had ever worked (until now), they'd grown fond of her.

"We've got to go," Garrison interrupted. All the Gorillas were in the dinghy, and he and a sailor were waiting to push them off.

Just as they stepped forward to make for the dinghy, all hell broke loose. A German voice shouted in the darkness, telling the men to give themselves up, even as shots rang out. Obviously the Germans weren't a patient lot.

Carstairs and Fairfax hesitated for too long. Garrison and the sailor pulled the dinghy off the shore, while the others gave covering fire.

"C'mon!" Garrison shouted, urging them on, even as his men hauled him into the dinghy.

The two airmen hesitated. Could they make it to the dinghy?

"No!" Michelle shouted, grabbing the Englishmen's arms. "Go! I will get them out some other way."

The tide did not wait, nor did the sailors. They bent their backs into rowing for the submarine and the darkness soon swallowed them up.

Michelle hauled the two confused Englishmen along with her. They had to get away. The Germans stormed onto the beach to capture their enemies, but it was too late. The dinghy had gone, the Resistance was gone, and only a faint "I say!" could be heard on the night breeze.

~'~

Rene smiled at his wife as he added up that night's takings. For once, all was right with his world. His happiness was shattered as Yvette looked out of the back room and made a familiar announcement.

"Michelle of ze Resistance is 'ere, and she 'as ze British airmen wiz 'er!"

He closed his eyes and slowly lowered his head in order to bang it on the open drawer of the till. Would his nightmare never end?

~'~

The familiar gurglings of the submarine lulled Goniff to sleep. The past few days had been draining ones, so far as he was concerned. His head dropped onto his chest and he began to snore.

Garrison grinned to himself. He'd rarely seen the Cockney so tense. Actor smiled at the Warden. "I don't think Goniff enjoyed our time in France."

"I should say not. What about you? Meet anyone nice?"

Actor's hands caressed the rolled up canvas he was holding. "Oh yes. I shall be sorry to see her go."

"All good things come to an end, Actor."

"That is true. However, I do not have to let her go just yet. We have to reach England first." He unrolled the painting and allowed his eyes to wander over the beauty of the Fallen Madonna once more. "She is...." He frowned.

"Actor?" Garrison sat up slightly. Actor looked almost upset - and that was a first for the Italian con man who rarely showed his true feelings.

"This is a forgery." Actor's face and voice betrayed his disbelief. It couldn't be a forgery. It had never been out of their sight.

"You mean we went through all that for nothing?" Casino demanded angrily as Garrison grabbed the fake from Actor's hands.

Chief sat back with a resigned look on his face and sighed. It was typical of their luck that something had gone wrong.

"No," Actor interrupted them. "This is not the painting we got from Herr Flick's safe."

Briefly, Garrison considered the possibility of one of his men having swapped it, but dismissed the notion. They had had no chance of getting a replacement fake. "How? When?" he demanded. "It's never been out of my sight."

"Except when you were sleeping," Actor pointed out.

"Mimi? But she didn't manage to get into the room."

Goniff stirred in his sleep at the sound of the dreaded name but the others ignored him.

Casino's face flushed with anger. Yvette. He knew it had to be.

"Madame Edith." Chief's voice was quiet but it stopped Casino in his tracks.

"What?" Casino looked at the Indian. Maybe it wasn't Yvette after all.

"Madame Edith took the painting and cleaned it off," Chief pointed out.

"Madame Edith? I don't believe it!" Garrison was astonished. She hadn't seemed the type.

"No, not her. Her husband." Actor sat back with an angry look on his face. He hated being tricked and few were skilful enough to get away with it.

Garrison rolled up the forgery and handed it back to the Italian. "Well, Actor, I guess you can keep this. I doubt that the free French Government would be interested in a fake, no matter how good it is."

"There are bound to be other missions to France, Lieutenant," Actor pointed out softly.

Garrison smiled. He could always improvise a visit to Rene Artois' café. He was good at improvising.

~finis~


End file.
